DaveyTrain (me) has been a bachelor for the last 10 days. Choo choo! Sheri and Aubrey decided to fly to Auburn last week to visit all 67 of Sheri's sisters. So they have been living it up in California while Daddy has been home working his snake-like fingers to the bone. But it's been productive. The house is now so organized and clean that the slightest breeze will likely cause it to spontaneously combust. Don't worry, though. Very soon Hurricane Aubrey will blow into town and make sure our home resembles something from "Rumble in the Bronx" or possibly "Elmo Visits Chernobyl".
One of my many activities while all alone in my house.Here is my typical thought process when I am left as a bachelor:
Day 1: Nice. The whole place to myself! I can do whatever I want!
Day 2: Lame. This house seems too big and now smells like a dead yak. I can't do anything fun when I'm alone, and I'm tired of watching re-runs of Shamwow infomercials.
Day 3: Hmmm...I wonder if the mailman came twice today. I'd better check to be sure. Maybe on the way to the mailbox I can make it fun by thinking of every prime number that begins with the letter "s".
Day 4 - Day 10: Which one really is better? One? Or two? One? Or two? One? Or two?....
Day 2: Lame. This house seems too big and now smells like a dead yak. I can't do anything fun when I'm alone, and I'm tired of watching re-runs of Shamwow infomercials.
Day 3: Hmmm...I wonder if the mailman came twice today. I'd better check to be sure. Maybe on the way to the mailbox I can make it fun by thinking of every prime number that begins with the letter "s".
Day 4 - Day 10: Which one really is better? One? Or two? One? Or two? One? Or two?....
And then things started to get a little weird...Here are a few more points that I've learned during the last week and a half:
1. My eternal hatred towards cooking has been resurrected. Seriously, I don't know how people do it. I often wish we lived in the days of the pioneers when everything was ready-made and easily put together in less than 15 minutes. I found myself spending 2 1/2 hours cooking a quesadilla that resembled Al Roker and tasted like a burnt armadillo. It amazes me that the profession "chef" actually exists. Who in their right mind would want to become one? If the world consisted of people that were just like me, only the vilest of criminals would be forced to prepare food.
2. I've discovered a new mathematical concept: the amount of creepy noises in a home are inversely proportional to the amount of people trying to sleep in said home. There were nights where I thought as I stared up at the ceiling, "Well, that noise is either the wind, or a bloodthirsty zombie wolverine coming to reclaim my soul." Sometimes it was the former, sometimes the latter. But I didn't have anyone to snuggle with to keep me safe. Luckily, the rule that governed as a child still works when you're an adult: you'll be fine as long as you stay under the covers. Just pray that the creepy clown doll sitting in the corner doesn't rip them off you.
3. I forgot that you could theoretically make it through church without fruit snacks. It was so strange to sit there on Sunday and not have to watch a toddler try to play patty-cake with your skull. Aubrey is often trying to pal it up with all the other kids during church, so I definitely missed out on the typical Sunday entertainment. Which meant that I was forced to console myself with several packs of Spiderman fruit snacks.
1. My eternal hatred towards cooking has been resurrected. Seriously, I don't know how people do it. I often wish we lived in the days of the pioneers when everything was ready-made and easily put together in less than 15 minutes. I found myself spending 2 1/2 hours cooking a quesadilla that resembled Al Roker and tasted like a burnt armadillo. It amazes me that the profession "chef" actually exists. Who in their right mind would want to become one? If the world consisted of people that were just like me, only the vilest of criminals would be forced to prepare food.
2. I've discovered a new mathematical concept: the amount of creepy noises in a home are inversely proportional to the amount of people trying to sleep in said home. There were nights where I thought as I stared up at the ceiling, "Well, that noise is either the wind, or a bloodthirsty zombie wolverine coming to reclaim my soul." Sometimes it was the former, sometimes the latter. But I didn't have anyone to snuggle with to keep me safe. Luckily, the rule that governed as a child still works when you're an adult: you'll be fine as long as you stay under the covers. Just pray that the creepy clown doll sitting in the corner doesn't rip them off you.
3. I forgot that you could theoretically make it through church without fruit snacks. It was so strange to sit there on Sunday and not have to watch a toddler try to play patty-cake with your skull. Aubrey is often trying to pal it up with all the other kids during church, so I definitely missed out on the typical Sunday entertainment. Which meant that I was forced to console myself with several packs of Spiderman fruit snacks.
2 comments:
HILARIOUS!!! You really crack me up Dave. Although the clown picture was our favorite. Tyler and I laughed at that for several minutes.
Oh Dave! I wish Sheri would go away more often if it meant you would post more. I loved the clown picture--I was rolling. I'm happy that Sheri is back so she can cook for you and protect you.
Post a Comment