The Bachelor, But Rated 'G'

DaveyTrain (me) has been a bachelor for the last 10 days. Choo choo! Sheri and Aubrey decided to fly to Auburn last week to visit all 67 of Sheri's sisters. So they have been living it up in California while Daddy has been home working his snake-like fingers to the bone. But it's been productive. The house is now so organized and clean that the slightest breeze will likely cause it to spontaneously combust. Don't worry, though. Very soon Hurricane Aubrey will blow into town and make sure our home resembles something from "Rumble in the Bronx" or possibly "Elmo Visits Chernobyl".

One of my many activities while all alone in my house.

Here is my typical thought process when I am left as a bachelor:

Day 1: Nice. The whole place to myself! I can do whatever I want!
Day 2: Lame. This house seems too big and now smells like a dead yak. I can't do anything fun when I'm alone, and I'm tired of watching re-runs of Shamwow infomercials.
Day 3: Hmmm...I wonder if the mailman came twice today. I'd better check to be sure. Maybe on the way to the mailbox I can make it fun by thinking of every prime number that begins with the letter "s".
Day 4 - Day 10: Which one really is better? One? Or two? One? Or two? One? Or two?....

And then things started to get a little weird...

Here are a few more points that I've learned during the last week and a half:

1. My eternal hatred towards cooking has been resurrected. Seriously, I don't know how people do it. I often wish we lived in the days of the pioneers when everything was ready-made and easily put together in less than 15 minutes. I found myself spending 2 1/2 hours cooking a quesadilla that resembled Al Roker and tasted like a burnt armadillo. It amazes me that the profession "chef" actually exists. Who in their right mind would want to become one? If the world consisted of people that were just like me, only the vilest of criminals would be forced to prepare food.


2. I've discovered a new mathematical concept: the amount of creepy noises in a home are inversely proportional to the amount of people trying to sleep in said home. There were nights where I thought as I stared up at the ceiling, "Well, that noise is either the wind, or a bloodthirsty zombie wolverine coming to reclaim my soul." Sometimes it was the former, sometimes the latter. But I didn't have anyone to snuggle with to keep me safe. Luckily, the rule that governed as a child still works when you're an adult: you'll be fine as long as you stay under the covers. Just pray that the creepy clown doll sitting in the corner doesn't rip them off you.


3. I forgot that you could theoretically make it through church without fruit snacks. It was so strange to sit there on Sunday and not have to watch a toddler try to play patty-cake with your skull. Aubrey is often trying to pal it up with all the other kids during church, so I definitely missed out on the typical Sunday entertainment. Which meant that I was forced to console myself with several packs of Spiderman fruit snacks.

Suddenly Fun Again...For The Very First Time!

I guess it's time to write again...it's only been 5 months.

A wise friend once told me, "The great thing about having kids is that things you haven't done for years all of a sudden become really fun. And also, your zipper is down." Sage advice, indeed. After many experiences I've come to discover that he was absolutely right, and the thing he said about having kids was right too.

Take the zoo for example. I haven't been to the zoo in years. I haven't really had the desire. Plus, I had to wait for my 5-year ban to be over. (Here's a little tip for you: never try to wake up a meerkat by throwing your shoe at him. They tend to stay asleep, if you know what I mean.) But now that I have a child, suddenly the desire is back in full force. So we packed up our stuff, and drove to Hogle Zoo. Here are some images:

This is one of the few times Aubrey was actually paying attention to one of the animals. Probably because it was eating something she wanted. The rest of the time she spent socializing with the other kids around. (That's the last time I spend 18 bucks for my daughter to make a friend...the audacity!)

This is what I call the "Mommy don't throw me in" pool.

She figured it would be easier for the alligators to escape if she pulled the gate up.

This has nothing to do with the zoo.

Aubrey has also brought dancing back into style at our house. Who knew that dancing in nothing but pink boots could be so much fun?

It's cute all right...but let's hope this trend doesn't continue into adulthood...

There are tons of other things that are ridiculously fun again: the dinosaur museum, bedtime stories, dressing up as a wolf and scaring little children, singing the ABC's, jumping on the bed, and wearing a diaper, just to name a few. Half the time I'm wondering if I'm having a better time than Aubrey.

Ok, that does it for now. I now make a promise - to all five of you who read this blog - that I will blog again soon. And it will be full of so many great stories and tales of adventure that your gizzard will hurt. Until next time!