Do you ever have those days where you wake up in the morning and think, "Man, I need to write a book!"? I do all the time. Which is kind of funny because I'm not much of a reader. I'm not sure I'd even read my own book. Unless it was full of pictures of cheetahs or possibly Gary Wigglesworth.

But writing a book is something that deep down I'd love to do, but will likely not happen for a long time (kind of like climbing Everest, becoming a bounty hunter, or getting an autograph from Greg Ostertag - all at the same time). I certainly have plenty of material. Life is full of all sorts of crazy stuff. I have here a list of possible titles and summaries that I think would make great books:

1. A Literally Abused Word: the Story of Not Good English

This book would focus on the way we misuse and corrupt the word "literally" in our everyday conversations. Here are some actual ways in which I have heard this word tainted:

"My head literally exploded" (Wow, I hope you were wearing a bib.)

"Deron Williams is so good that he can literally put the team on his shoulders and carry them to victory" (Holy smokes! Not even Greg Ostertag could do that!)

"His boss literally chewed him out." (Hopefully the "him" referred to was a giant teething ring)

"The referees literally swallowed their whistles" (mmmm...sweaty whistles)

2. Patients Say the Dardest Things!

This book deals with the things that I see and hear on a daily basis. Now, you are probably thinking, "Optometrists have the most boring job on the planet next to WNBA commentators! What could possibly be interesting?!?" Au contrair you silly bear! Here are actual phrases and situations that we've experienced in our exam rooms:

"My doctor in Mexico said I have cornea." (Wow, you must have paid a lot of money for that glistening gem of information!)

"Last night I had a dream that my feces was multicolored." (Number one or number two? Seriously, I couldn't stop laughing when my patient said that. He then followed up with, "Yeah, I have really strange dreams." You think?)

"There are 20 ghosts in my house, and I killed one of them last night. I called the cops, and all they told me was, 'well, that's better than we could do'." (Thank you for that information. Now close your eyes so that I can slowly back out of the room and then set it on fire)

Lady at church: “So what brings you to the area?”
Me: “My wife and I are optometrists”
Lady: “Oh, that’s nice. How do you like working on teeth?”
Me: (what I should have said): It’s kind of confusing. I start doing a root canal, and somehow end up flossing my patient’s corneas.

Me: (pointing to the exam chair:)"Sir, please sit down on the large grey exam chair."
Patient: The patient promptly sits down on the small blue desk chair.
Me: (again pointing to the exam chair) “No, sir, that chair.”
Patient: “Oh sorry, I wasn’t sure where you wanted me to sit.”
Me: (filled with a sense of impending doom as to how the rest of the exam is going to go) "Now, let me get some floss..."

3. The Joy of Eating: Effectively Teaching Infants to Eat and Enjoy Solid Foods

This book would be full of pictures and cases of successful strategies for making that tough transition. I'd even include a section on healthy eating for adults:

And now for a decent picture of Aubs:

Success!!! Boo-ya Grandma!