Colossal Cougars

It’s that time of year again. The time of year when my toes get tingly, my bellybutton inflames, and I periodically go in and out of consciousness. And no, I’m not talking about my annual rabies bout; I’m talking about something much more exciting and with significantly less pus. I’m talking about COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON!!!

This is me back in my glory days - the year that I won 2 Heismans, 3 Stanley cups, a Purple Heart, and voted "Most Likely to Become President of a Small African Country".

Yes, folks, it’s that time of year when everyone is just a little kinder, a little more soft-spoken, a little more likely to slap you on the booty after a clutch 47-yard field goal. Who wouldn’t like that? Now, let’s revel in our crapulence for a moment. BYU just completed a stunning conquest to the #3-in-the-nation-Oklahoma Goobers (wait, that’s not right. Maybe “Schooners?” “Scoobers?”) The cougars came out looser than pre-marriage Dave and delivered the proverbial “pantsing” of a lifetime. If you missed it, I feel sorry for you. And a bit of shame.

Here's a video that shows the students in the Wilkinson Center on BYU campus after the Cougars scored what would be the winning touchdown. I have to warn you - you may need to get a box of Kleenex and possibly a diaper before you watch this:

Growing up, BYU was part of life. We lived it, we breathed it, and subsequently got upper respiratory infections from it. And we loved every minute. As a kid, I grew up watching the games and playing all over campus. When I became a student there, it was like swimming in a vast sea of single women that for some reason kept trying to toss me onto the shoreline. And as I grow old, I imagine myself an old man sitting on a rocking chair wearing my frumpy "Class of 2005" BYU sweater, screaming in excitement like a giddy school girl.


I guess that's why at times I feel a little uncomfortable working practically on the University of Utah campus. I feel like Harry Potter, trying to suppress the evil that tries to overcome me on a daily basis. Except instead of a "magic wand", I have equally powerful "contact lenses" to ward off "Voldemort" in the form of "blurry distance vision". In fact, something about this campus makes things a little...strange. Observe:

GO COUGARS!!!!!