This is me and my friend Oliver right before I moved to "hotter-than-the-devil’s-sweatpants" Arizona. Oliver is an awesome guy, and also happens to be brilliant. In fact, I once heard rumor that the other day his brain exploded. Twice.
Oliver and I recently participated in a school quiz show that was designed to be kind of like Jeopardy. In addition to winning a laminated skin sample from Alex Trebek’s bicep, we could win a free trip to Seattle to participate in the much-coveted "Optometry Super Bowl". It's a lot like the real Superbowl, except the “football” is actually “questions” that are “fielded” by a bunch of guys that have the athletic prowess of Steve Erkel.
Seattle seemed like a lot of fun to me, so Oliver and I decided that our chances of winning were greatly enhanced by sporting our new, fuzzy lady-killers. I mean, just look at my manliness! It's like I'm wearing a sexy black caterpillar that’s just waiting to be caressed. (Sheri loved it by the way. She is constantly begging me to bring it back. I told her I wouldn’t do it because too many people mistook me as the human version of Luigi)
Unfortunately, my plan had a drawback: While trying to answer the questions, I didn't anticipate that brain would spontaneously turn into nougat. I just couldn’t come up with the answers fast enough. I felt like the fat kid trying to fit into his old Osh-Kosh-B’Goshs: I knew that I should be able to do it, but something was going terribly wrong.
In the end, I took 4th out of 8. I don't think that's too bad - I ended up beating a drunk guy, two chimps, and a jar of marmalade. Don’t get too sad, though, because I’ll compete again soon. By this time next year you’ll all be reading my new book: “The Red Fury: Dave’s path to victory through the power of the mullet”.
4 comments:
You've got a black belt in crazy? Yes you do! Forget the mustache and the mullet. You need an edge . . . like a mohawk or a spiked look. And don't forget the temporary tat and nose ring. You'd scare your opponents so severely that their sanity would be lost.
Dude, just keep the mustache. You look just like Chuck Norris.. but better!
I know how you can win the next football game. All you have to do is to believe! And, take out all of your competition. Especially that marmalade.
Okay, I just snuck onto your blog through someone elses...I should have a long time ago!!! You guys are seriously the funniest people I've ever read about!!!!! Hope you don't mind...I'm going to show my David how to sneak on too...
Here's our email...if you're interested in seeing our blog (sorry, maybe not so funny...), just send a holler and we'll give you the links..Jenna524@adelphia.net
I'm seriously going to be haunted by visions of the sexy caterpillar for the rest of my life. I love getting a glimpse into a true mastermind of craziness and fun. I love it. Keep up the fun writing and send me one of those staches so I can get a smooch too from my lady:)
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