Beware the Perfect Parent

We are the proud owners of a new baby girl. Yes, another one. Kaylee Something Meyer was born on February 17th 2012 in Murray. She has a lot of dark hair when washed. She is healthy and doing well. She doesn't seem to eat as much as Aubrey did, but then again, I’m pretty sure no infant ate as much as Aubrey did. Aubrey drank so much milk that her blood had the consistency of sour cream. (by the way, I just checked the records and Kaylee’s middle name is Elizabeth...I must have been playing Angry Birds when we decided that).

So now that I have two children, you are probably thinking, “Man, you guys have it all figured out! Parenting must be a snap. Just hop in the minivan and cruise Easy Street from here on out.” Unfortunately, you would be very, very wrong about that. We have not lived up to the many Perfect Parents who surround us. As an example, let me relate to you a very typical conversation that Sheri and I have had with many other parents of two children:

Perfect Parent: “So, how is your baby sleeping at night?”
Me: “Well, so-so. But last night she slept for 3 hours straight, which is pretty good.”
Perfect Parent: “Oh. (Long pause) Yeah, our baby slept for like 8 hours straight the day we brought her back from the hospital, and has only improved since.”
Me: “Wow, that’s...amazing (with a hint of growing despair)”
Perfect Parent: “Yeah, isn’t the transition from one child to two just so easy?”
Me: “Well...something like that” (the despair has now blossomed and in my imagination is shooting poisonous darts into the soul of Perfect Parent)

Perfect Parent: “I know, right? I mean, I’m not even sure I would recognize the sound of my own baby crying because she’s never really fussed before.”

Me: “That’s fantastic. Hey, could you excuse me? I've got to find a pencil and stab myself in the gizzard.”

Now, let’s get something straight. I realize, Perfect Parent, that your newborn sleeps all through the night. And she never cries. And her diapers smell like springtime and unicorn feathers. And you wake up in the morning to her singing in your ear as she...somehow...hands over a cup of orange juice and a croissant. Yep, I get it. But believe it or not, there are some parents out there who would read Twilight just for their child to sleep a few hours at a time...the ultimate sacrifice. Some parents (who will not be named) yearn for the days when they didn’t wake up feeling like they had slept next to Muhammad Ali. Or that the house didn’t look and sound like a llama festival.

I’m not sure how you keep it all together, but I’d love to learn. Maybe you could take care of my newborn while I attend a seminar in Cabo or something like that. Then I would come back all rested and find to my great relief that my child is a calm little angel, and also fluent in Chinese.

**As a side note, I would like to mention how cool little kids’ clothes are. You could seriously print anything on a baby’s shirt, and people think it’s the most adorable thing ever. Even if the phrase makes no sense whatsoever, which most don’t. Some examples: “Cute as a Bug”, “Daisy Girl”, or “So Phat and So Phun” (I may have made that last one up). You could put just about any creative phrase on a baby’s shirt and people would think were incredibly charming, like: “(Almost) Too Little to Lie”, “I Don’t Bargain, Moron,” or “Daddy’s Little Anxiety Attack”. You could make a fortune off this stuff! (patent pending)

So in conclusion, I guess what I’m asking you, Perfect Parent, is to refrain. When talking with a set of particularly bedraggled parents, instead of mentioning that your toddler recently arranged the spice rack, maybe you should just change the subject and talk about lizards or something. It may save you from witnessing someone stabbing themselves in the gizzard.