The Bachelor, But Rated 'G'

DaveyTrain (me) has been a bachelor for the last 10 days. Choo choo! Sheri and Aubrey decided to fly to Auburn last week to visit all 67 of Sheri's sisters. So they have been living it up in California while Daddy has been home working his snake-like fingers to the bone. But it's been productive. The house is now so organized and clean that the slightest breeze will likely cause it to spontaneously combust. Don't worry, though. Very soon Hurricane Aubrey will blow into town and make sure our home resembles something from "Rumble in the Bronx" or possibly "Elmo Visits Chernobyl".

One of my many activities while all alone in my house.

Here is my typical thought process when I am left as a bachelor:

Day 1: Nice. The whole place to myself! I can do whatever I want!
Day 2: Lame. This house seems too big and now smells like a dead yak. I can't do anything fun when I'm alone, and I'm tired of watching re-runs of Shamwow infomercials.
Day 3: Hmmm...I wonder if the mailman came twice today. I'd better check to be sure. Maybe on the way to the mailbox I can make it fun by thinking of every prime number that begins with the letter "s".
Day 4 - Day 10: Which one really is better? One? Or two? One? Or two? One? Or two?....

And then things started to get a little weird...

Here are a few more points that I've learned during the last week and a half:

1. My eternal hatred towards cooking has been resurrected. Seriously, I don't know how people do it. I often wish we lived in the days of the pioneers when everything was ready-made and easily put together in less than 15 minutes. I found myself spending 2 1/2 hours cooking a quesadilla that resembled Al Roker and tasted like a burnt armadillo. It amazes me that the profession "chef" actually exists. Who in their right mind would want to become one? If the world consisted of people that were just like me, only the vilest of criminals would be forced to prepare food.


2. I've discovered a new mathematical concept: the amount of creepy noises in a home are inversely proportional to the amount of people trying to sleep in said home. There were nights where I thought as I stared up at the ceiling, "Well, that noise is either the wind, or a bloodthirsty zombie wolverine coming to reclaim my soul." Sometimes it was the former, sometimes the latter. But I didn't have anyone to snuggle with to keep me safe. Luckily, the rule that governed as a child still works when you're an adult: you'll be fine as long as you stay under the covers. Just pray that the creepy clown doll sitting in the corner doesn't rip them off you.


3. I forgot that you could theoretically make it through church without fruit snacks. It was so strange to sit there on Sunday and not have to watch a toddler try to play patty-cake with your skull. Aubrey is often trying to pal it up with all the other kids during church, so I definitely missed out on the typical Sunday entertainment. Which meant that I was forced to console myself with several packs of Spiderman fruit snacks.

Suddenly Fun Again...For The Very First Time!

I guess it's time to write again...it's only been 5 months.

A wise friend once told me, "The great thing about having kids is that things you haven't done for years all of a sudden become really fun. And also, your zipper is down." Sage advice, indeed. After many experiences I've come to discover that he was absolutely right, and the thing he said about having kids was right too.

Take the zoo for example. I haven't been to the zoo in years. I haven't really had the desire. Plus, I had to wait for my 5-year ban to be over. (Here's a little tip for you: never try to wake up a meerkat by throwing your shoe at him. They tend to stay asleep, if you know what I mean.) But now that I have a child, suddenly the desire is back in full force. So we packed up our stuff, and drove to Hogle Zoo. Here are some images:

This is one of the few times Aubrey was actually paying attention to one of the animals. Probably because it was eating something she wanted. The rest of the time she spent socializing with the other kids around. (That's the last time I spend 18 bucks for my daughter to make a friend...the audacity!)

This is what I call the "Mommy don't throw me in" pool.

She figured it would be easier for the alligators to escape if she pulled the gate up.

This has nothing to do with the zoo.

Aubrey has also brought dancing back into style at our house. Who knew that dancing in nothing but pink boots could be so much fun?

It's cute all right...but let's hope this trend doesn't continue into adulthood...

There are tons of other things that are ridiculously fun again: the dinosaur museum, bedtime stories, dressing up as a wolf and scaring little children, singing the ABC's, jumping on the bed, and wearing a diaper, just to name a few. Half the time I'm wondering if I'm having a better time than Aubrey.

Ok, that does it for now. I now make a promise - to all five of you who read this blog - that I will blog again soon. And it will be full of so many great stories and tales of adventure that your gizzard will hurt. Until next time!

California

1. There really IS a San Francisco!

Ah, San Francisco. Land of rolling hills, trolley cars, and street vendors that won't stop giving you the stink-eye until you buy something. We figured that before the whole city sinks into the ocean, (San Francisco's motto: "Even the Devil Feels Uncomfortable Here!") we ought to pay it a visit. A yearly optometry conference was being held there, so we figured it would be a good excuse to take a little vacation. Plus, our good friends the Larsons would be there too, which always guarantees a good time:

Michelle Larson and Sheri out on Lombard street - the street famous for having more curves than a sexy snake.

We decided to get a little crazy and leave Aubrey in the hands of my very mature and capable father-in-law:

Who wouldn't do fine with a guy like this?

We did all sorts of fun stuff, and I'm not just talking about playing board games! We visited Alcatraz, which is considered the most inescapable prison on the planet next to "It's a Small World" and "The Forgotten Carols". It was really neat because they just turned you loose and you got to walk all around the island. We also took an audio tour of the actual prison which was fascinating. I didn't realize that famous criminals like Al Capone, Sean Connery, and Oscar the Grouch stayed there. Here is the only picture we got of us on the island:

We couldn't get enough of the place!

Sadly, our San Fran trip had to come to an end. After giving my last pint of blood plasma to pay for yet another toll road, we drove back to Auburn to reunite with Aubrey and see Sheri's family. Aubrey seemed a little...different, though. We couldn't quite put a finger on it...

Despite the subtle change, Aubrey had done well and we are very thankful for great in-laws! Tune in soon for adventure #2 (hint: it may or may not have to do with what I already vote as the Manliest Movie of the Decade. Here's a preview:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulmRbrzAhoQ

Almost as amazing as this commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhlWddAXSRA&feature=player_embedded

Radient Resemblance

Aubrey has made Sheri and me into rockstars. We are frequently approached by familiar and not-so-familiar passer-byes who love to make comments while tickling one of Aubrey's chins. If you are one of these people, I say: go for it. We don't mind. We know she's...well...chubby. And adorably chubby at that.

We used to make fun of her skinny little "chicken legs" when she was a newborn. Now those chicken legs could feed an entire village in Malaysia. Here is a list of a few of my favorites that we've heard over the last few months (note: I am not making these up)

1. Why, what a...a healthy baby you have!

2. Boy, you must be feeding her well!
3. She sure is a solid girl. A solid girl...
4. She would make for a delicious Thanksgiving dinner! (okay, so maybe this one actually hasn't been said. Note the emphasis on "said")

The second thing that we hear a lot is how similar to Sheri she looks. I really like when people say that, because that means that in the womb Aubrey must have swum in the cleaner gene pool. But for some reason I've always had a hard time picking out family resemblances. However, recently I came across some old pictures of Sheri that totally remind me of Aubrey. Tell me what you think:



This is Sheri on her first plane flight (Sheri is on the left - the non-mullet one).





Take special note of the thighs - Sheri tells me that she used to hide several meals within them for emergencies.

And now, for the Aubrey shots:



She's a little nervous in this one. Maybe because Satan's bee is about to eat her.




Now look for the thighs...



Wait for it...



Maybe next year we'll stop feeding her the deep-fried Oreos...

Because I haven't posted for awhile, here are a few more pics of Aubrey that I just can't resist showing:







A girl's two favorite things: black stretchy pants and a flower large enough to have its own zip code


And now for an eerily similar father-son resemblance:

Singing With Soul

Maybe we are just being diluted parents that believe their child is a budding Aretha Franklin, but I swear Aubrey sings a long to her musical toys. You will have to be the judge but as far as I am concerned, move over Aretha! It is time for a new Queen of Soul: Aubrey Cakes!!!

Life changes at an alarming rate. It's kind of like that blister I once had. I just kind of ignored it until I realized that it wasn't a blister at all, but leprosy. So I guess what I'm saying is life is a little bit like leprosy; it's constantly changing, it's kind of exciting, and it's always better if you "spread" it to family and friends.

It seems like things are always changing so much for us. We never seem to stay in one spot for very long. I guess tax evasion will do that to a family. We don't plan on moving all the time, but that's how it always seems to work out. Having said that, it's always difficult to summarize life after a long break, but I'll muster up my courage and do the best I can:

1. We've moved...again...for the 7th time!!!

Yes, that is not a lie. Sheri and I have moved into a new townhome (the community's theme: "Welcome home! Don't forget to wipe your feet or the HOA will string you up like a Russian stepchild") We are loving it! Since I don't have a current picture, this one will suffice:




(Ours is the fancy green one with the windmill and the ladder that leads to the "guest nest")









We are grateful for a little more space, and a barbecue that we conned off the neighbors for $3. Plus, I can do this:



Aubrey has picked up this uncanny ability to levitate at will. I'm going to have to buy a butterfly net here pretty soon...

2. It's a race for freedom...and dramatic head shots!

My family and I did a very un-Meyer like thing this 4th of July - we planned and carried out an organized activity! We ran in either the 5K or the 10K for the Provo Freedom Run. Let me just say it was tons of fun. My favorite part was grabbing the water from the volunteers holding it out for you, and then splashing it back into their faces. Okay, I'm kidding - I would only do that to the babies waiting for the parade. Here are some pics:



Let's just say Scott has what doctors call a "texting addiction"



Steven is either in the process of turning into a vampire, or was just shot in the back by the man behind him. You decide.



Bryan is showing off his new ab implants to all his lady friends and to the babies waiting for the parade.



Lisa was amazing. Not only did she run the race, but she volunteered to be a secret-service agent for all the celebrities in the Freedom Run (like Steve Young, Edward Cullen, and Wally Osmond (Donny's nephew))







Due to recent husband-related restraints, I'm not allowed to show a well-lit picture of Sheri running. So this one will have to do. Sheri ended up running all the way to Malibu...so good!



I know what your thinking, "Am I looking at a mere photo, or gazing at a masterpiece of balance, charisma, and the birthing of hotness?"

More updates to come soon!

She's Got Personality!!!

I had a photo shoot with Aubrey the other day and the camera was just loving all of her expressions! I think she was working a "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" theme because all the personalities of the dwarfs where there, plus a few newbies.

Take a look:

Bashful

Happy

Grumpy

Sneezy

Dopey

Sleepy

Doc

And welcome the newbies to the gang:

Worry

Adoraby

Well, that is our little dwarf!