This is an advertisement that I came across while in college. I can think of at least 65 practical uses for it. I'm not sure what is funnier, the guy checking out the pregnant chick, or the angry girlfriend who now vows to get pregnant just to get even.


Life is good with a little baby around. Aubrey is always keeping us on our toes. The great philosopher, Winne the Pooh, once said, "You never can tell with bees." We feel the same about Aubrey. You never really know exactly what to expect, and the next thing you know she has "stung" you like a bee in the form of voluminous fecal matter (i.e. poo-poo).

But Aubrey has sure gotten cuter. In fact, I've discovered a mathematical phenomenon with her. I've realized that the level of her cuteness is directly proportional to the amount and size of her chins.

This is probably my very favorite picture of Aubrey. She often looks at me very inquisitively. It's as if she's saying, "Dad, why don't you ever feed me? And why didn't you give me a cooler name, like Shanaynay? Or JaShauna? Or Jimmer?"



This is a picture of Aubrey with her cousin Tyler. We always have to make sure Tyler has eaten first before we let them near each other. You can never be too careful.


This is one of Aubrey's famous "I'm drunk...with milk" expressions. I love it when her mullet flares up and she starts looking like Doc Brown in "Back to the Future".


And finally, our little BYU family. I have long vowed to never to coerce my children to go to BYU. I'll just never speak to them again if they don't. Sounds fair to me.

Christamas Baby!

We are proud to announce the birth of our baby girl, Aubrey Noel Meyer. She was born on December 2nd, 2009 at about 11:15pm. After a fairly difficult labor, she was delivered via C-section. But baby and mommy are healthy and doing really well. We are two very excited parents!

Here are the stats:
7 lbs 1 oz
21.5 inches long
10 rebounds
6 assists
This is literally minutes after Aubrey was born. It's amazing that Sheri is smiling. What a trooper. I'm pretty sure I would be crying more than my new baby and demanding a lollipop made of Vicodin (hmmm...not a bad idea..."Vico-pop").

By the way, I do realize that my getup is quiet ridiculous. They made me wear a hat because I had just come from serving in the hospital cafeteria (I figured since Sheri was in labor I ought to make myself useful). And the mask is just out of fear of an impending dirty diaper. It didn't work.

And here's our beautiful girl. Most people think she looks just like Sheri. I, of course, am very happy about that. I've been afraid that she would end up looking like a female version of me:

Doesn't that just make your stomach churn with delight?



I love this picture. One of the great things about babies is the amazing facial expressions they make, and they don't even know it. Aubrey also doesn't really understand the concept of "arms" yet (that comes a bit later along with nursing and introductory calculus). For right now they are just strange devices that obnoxiously knock her binky out of her mouth. Kind of like that bully in high school that always stole my Vico-pop.



Several people have asked if Aubrey has red hair. Although some nurses swore that it looked "kind of" red, Sheri and I don't see it. It appears to be brown like Sheri's. But you never know what could happen. As you can see from a photo taken when I was Aubrey's age, I actually started out with black hair:

I also had eyebrows then, too...

Sheri and I want to thank all of you for your wonderful support during these last two weeks. We feel extremely blessed to have Aubrey in our lives. We've had great help from relatives, delicious food brought over, and responsible people who have stepped up while we've been adjusting to our new situation. Thanks again so much!!!

Clowns, Burglers, Babies, and Other Myths

1. Let's start with Halloween. The reason why Halloween is so cool is because it's during one of my top 5 favorite seasons: fall. (The others being summer, spring, winter, and Bob Ross). Fall is full of all the wonderful things in life, such as: football season, great weather, fun holidays, the beginning of basketball season, the end of baseball season, and the end of baseball season.

Sheri and I have always created homemade costumes. And by "homemade", I mean, "purchased at the last possible moment where we are desparatly trying to decide between an outrageous costume or something more conventional like a pink vampire butterfly". But somehow we make it happen. This year, we made our grand entrance to our ward party in our cool new costumes. Observe:

I steal your stuff; Sheri turns you into a newt.

However, I realized something that day: being teamed up with a pregnant robber is not as cool as people say it is. Basic procedures become more more complicated, like crawling through air conditioning vents and running from people you've set on fire. But at least we've got a good decoy: nobody suspects the pregnant chick. Heh heh heh...


2. Clowns terrify me. I've never liked them, and I never will. I have a theory that - and I'm not exaggerating here - at least 65% of all human deaths are clown-related. Oh, they look innocent all right. Innocent, of course, until they start muffling your foolish laughter by cramming their spongy red nose down your throat. Who's laughing now? Yes, that's right: the clown. Diabolically.


"Ha ha ha! That's right, it's very fun to make cotton candy out of human heads! Who's next?"

The clowns shown above were present at our 10 year high school reunion. The reunion was fun, but I didn't want to set foot near them. I think I'd rather spend the day in Disneyland Rwanda. Or watching "Dancing with the Stars".


3. I'm having a baby. This may very well be the last post before yours truly, DaveyTrain, becomes a father. Yes, I'm scared too. And then I can fill the blog with all the "standard" blog material - 1,624 pictures of my kid, stories about severe diarrhea, and lovely recipes of taco soup (mmm...runny soup...)

Sheri at 39 weeks.

But don't worry, having a baby will only make my blogs more fascinating and life-changing for you. I will continue to make my blogs practical, useful, and completely believable. Who knows, maybe someday you'll see my face on the cover of some famous magazine about some cool thing...like pink vampire butterflies.

Points to Ponder

1. After 22 years of schooling, I can proudly say I work at WalMart.

No, I'm not a greeter as you may suppose. I'm not even one those employees who stares at you with those beady eyes and "accidentally" runs into you while you're buying underwear. I work on Saturdays as your local Eye Superhero (although they wouldn't let me wear my cape and ever-so-tight spandex...dang socialists.)

So come on in, and bring some food with you (filet mignon preferred). Heck, you may even walk out with amazing vision and a big yellow smile on your face!
I'll be there: October 17th and the 31st (November dates are pending):
11328 So Jordan Gateway, South Jordan, UT 84095

And don't forget, Sheri is still rocking it in Lehi*
*(limited time only: consult fetus for details):
1438 East Main Street Suite 4
Lehi, UT 84043


2. Update on the pregnancy: Beginning to think it's a female horse.

Man can that baby kick! The other day I gently rested my ear against my wife's cute belly and *boom* ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE HEAD! I think our daughter crushed the bones in my inner ear all the while playing my eardrum like a marimba (not a drum, a marimba. There's a difference.) I mean, Chuck Norris would have considered crying for a moment. Right before setting the crib on fire and then eating it.

And that's not an isolated experience. When I even so much as walk by Sheri a little leg imprint comes shooting out of her tummy and nearly destroys me. I can almost hear the sound of melodious laughter, although it sounds a little more muffled and significantly more sinister.


3. "This is your last chance to do anything remotely enjoyable. For all eternity. So do all you can before your lives become completely miserable."

This is essentially what we hear from parents all over the globe about expecting children. Wow, sign me up! A lot of people sound like having kids is like living in a perpetual pillowfight where the pillows are filled with shards of glass.

Regardless of whether or not that is true (although such a pillow would be handy to have around), Sheri and I have been doing some awesome stuff as of late. First of all, Park City:


Sheri could "bearely" stand leaving this place. It was almost embearassing, but I had to bear with it, and just grab the "bear essentials" and drive away in my Corolla.

Next stop on the DaveyTrain: general conference. It was fantastic. Sheri was able to attend the Conference Center for the first time in her life and we were not disappointed.


Although I have to say that the protesters were almost more than we could bear: (ha! I could go all day...)

4. Mr. Adventure

Lately, I've had that strange feeling that I want to do something adventurous. Really adventurous. So the other day I woke up and thought to myself, "Self, I really want to hike a mountain. But first, go make me some pancakes." And so I did.


This is Mount Olympus. You may have heard it called other things like "Mount Doom", "Crags of Sudden Death", and "The Fluffy Bluffs of Unicorn Land".


It ended up being even more awesomeer than I had anticipated. I am now sending out applications to be a Sherpa. Will accept the yen, the dollar, or chocolate chip pancakes. Believe me, it's worth it.


5. Friends don't let friends watch their sister-in-law get eaten by llamas

Colossal Cougars

It’s that time of year again. The time of year when my toes get tingly, my bellybutton inflames, and I periodically go in and out of consciousness. And no, I’m not talking about my annual rabies bout; I’m talking about something much more exciting and with significantly less pus. I’m talking about COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON!!!

This is me back in my glory days - the year that I won 2 Heismans, 3 Stanley cups, a Purple Heart, and voted "Most Likely to Become President of a Small African Country".

Yes, folks, it’s that time of year when everyone is just a little kinder, a little more soft-spoken, a little more likely to slap you on the booty after a clutch 47-yard field goal. Who wouldn’t like that? Now, let’s revel in our crapulence for a moment. BYU just completed a stunning conquest to the #3-in-the-nation-Oklahoma Goobers (wait, that’s not right. Maybe “Schooners?” “Scoobers?”) The cougars came out looser than pre-marriage Dave and delivered the proverbial “pantsing” of a lifetime. If you missed it, I feel sorry for you. And a bit of shame.

Here's a video that shows the students in the Wilkinson Center on BYU campus after the Cougars scored what would be the winning touchdown. I have to warn you - you may need to get a box of Kleenex and possibly a diaper before you watch this:

Growing up, BYU was part of life. We lived it, we breathed it, and subsequently got upper respiratory infections from it. And we loved every minute. As a kid, I grew up watching the games and playing all over campus. When I became a student there, it was like swimming in a vast sea of single women that for some reason kept trying to toss me onto the shoreline. And as I grow old, I imagine myself an old man sitting on a rocking chair wearing my frumpy "Class of 2005" BYU sweater, screaming in excitement like a giddy school girl.


I guess that's why at times I feel a little uncomfortable working practically on the University of Utah campus. I feel like Harry Potter, trying to suppress the evil that tries to overcome me on a daily basis. Except instead of a "magic wand", I have equally powerful "contact lenses" to ward off "Voldemort" in the form of "blurry distance vision". In fact, something about this campus makes things a little...strange. Observe:

GO COUGARS!!!!!

Life in the Fast Lane

Utah is hot. And it's not just the "Sheri Meyer" kind of hot, but the "hotter than the devil's sweatpants" kind of hot. I'm pretty sure I just got too used to the SoCal weather. Every morning you woke up with that apprehensive feeling in your stomach thinking, "Hmmm, will it be 74 degrees today, or just 72? Or maybe somewhere in between?" The suspense just consumed you. Quite different right now in Sandy. It's so hot here that at this very moment I'm not sure where my bottom ends and the where the chair I'm sitting in begins. I think they have just melted together into a type of bootylicious alloy that has now made me bionic. And given me 4 more legs.

But I digress. The real reason for this post is to talk about my daily commute. For most people, commuting is a very drab chore that they must endure every day. For me, it's a non-stop adventure full of near-misses, mystical escapades, and death-defying feats. Yes, people, I travel with "The Great Gorrag" every day.

"But I've never heard of The Great Gorrag!" you foolishly reply. Probably because every time his name is spoken at least 3 of your eardrums collapse and someone from Chrysler gets fired. You see, The Great Gorrag is the bike I ride to TRAX (July's theme, "Coming in 2017: air conditioning!"). But he's not just a bike - he's nearly human. He has more of a soul than I do. Probably because he consumed mine.

.

Before I show you a much-coveted picture of The Great Gorrag, let me explain one thing. Last month I borrowed my brother Steven's bike to ride to the train station. And within 2 days, it was stolen. Really, it was stolen. I guess Elder Steven Meyer should look forward to more walking when he gets home from Germany. And so, from that moment on, I decided to call upon the powers of The Great Gorrag:

Let me explain some of the awesome, Chuck-Norris-like features of this bike. Note the mountain bike tire in the front, and the street bike tire in the back! That's for either riding on the road, or riding along the backs of venomous orangutans. Next, note that I've taped up the handlebars in slick black tape. That's because some of The Great Gorrag's Black Juices started oozing from the handlebars. And something that is much more subtle is the gear changers. Amazingly, Gorrag has transformed himself from an 18-speed to a 3 1/2-speed.

This is the pinnacle of Gorrag's radicoolness. The seat not only provides the comfort of a wooden church pew, but shapes the booty into a toned masterpiece. Observe below:

But my adventures don't end once I get to the train station. Once I get on board, I get to experience the full and refreshing scent of public transportation. And without fail I end up sitting next to this guy:

'nuf said.

So the next time you talk to an eye doctor and blurt out, "Wow, you and your wife are both doctors? You must be rich!", just remember that at any given moment you may find yourself facedown on the pavement with two different, and very mysterious, bike tire tracks. Maybe I should take this to work:

Like I said, it's very hot in Utah... :)

We’re having a baby for Thanksgiving!

Okay, I lied. We will most likely have turkey. But we’ll make sure it’s a baby turkey. And technically our baby is due December 1st, which happens to be the exact birthday of 1. Abraham Lincoln, 2. Brigham Young, and 3. Donny Osmond. So our baby will most likely be 1. a powerful political leader, 2. a spiritual giant, and 3. infinity better than you and everybody else.

Just this last week we went to the doctor to get an ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. It was amazing. We walked into this big dark room with this huge machine that looked like it was ready to probe the very depths of my soul. I wasn't about to let that thing get near me. It made me glad that the only thing growing in my belly was an imaginary unicorn named "GlitterBright".

Well, the ultrasound went very well. Our baby is healthy, developing correctly, and kicking like a rabid muskrat. Yay!

A countenance like an angel, and teeth like Daddy...

Okay, I'll stop the suspense...

We are having a little girl!!

Even though Dad is scared to death of having a girl who will eventually grow up and possibly have greasy boyfriends, he will make sure to be well-equipped with love, compassion, and lots of rifle ammo. We are very happy about our little daughter and can't wait for December 1st! We already love her a lot; almost as much as this guy...